My husband and I got married in 2006, 2-weeks after I graduated Bethel University in MN. We had met there and all four years I knew I wanted to marry him.

We moved to central Wisconsin so my home -town and two years later I was pregnant with our first.  I was 24 years old and all this was new to me. None of my friends has been through this, and neither did my sister(whom I’m extremely close to). My husband and I were very excited and I started going to my doctor visits. Week 13 came and Tim (my husband) and I got to see our little gymnast spinning around and turning on the little monitor. It was amazing! We could see the little hands and legs, and we got this precious picture. 

When week 17 came around I didn’t know that I was going to hear the heart beat, but the nurse said we would record it on a tape so I could take it home. This was good because we hadn’t heard the heartbeat before, and I alone on this visit. While the nurse was looking for the heartbeat she couldn’t seem to find it. (I tend to worry, I always have, and being alone was not helpful.) I stayed calm as the nurse went to get the doctor. The doctor I had was a very kind man, he came in and searched for the heartbeat as well.  He used a monitor so he could see the baby as well and he did not see a heartbeat or movement. He did not have a very promising look on his face and was very saddened to tell me the news. I was horrified. Here I was all alone, my first pregnancy, what do I do?!

He sent me to get an ultrasound on the big machines. I took my cell phone outside and called my husband at work and told him to come to the hospital, he was about 4 minutes from me at the time, so I was already in the ultrasound room by the time he got there, but he was a great support. I also called my dad so he could pray for a miracle. In the ultrasound room I couldn’t bare to look at the screen, but I know Tim did which I’m sure was hard. We kept praying for a miracle, praying for the baby to move and for a heartbeat to be found, maybe there was some mistake.

But we were told that our baby’s heartbeat could not be found and that it didn’t grow past 13 ½ weeks.

It was VERY tough news to hear. I had a life in me for almost the half-way mark, had felt many pregnancy symptoms, and then after this one regular visit (and not having symptoms of a miscarriage) it was as if someone took this baby from me. I didn’t understand, I thought of what I could have done different, or wondered if I had done something to cause it.

He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Matthew 5:45

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...Romans 8:28

Time really does help heal, and while I don’t understand why these sad things need to occur in life, my faith helped me get through some tough times. I know that since going through what I did, I have been able to offer empathy to those going through similar experiences. And I know that it is encouraging to have someone you can talk to who has gone through something similar to your own, when I went through it I didn’t have someone I was close to that I was able to talk to who really understood.

With all that being said, today in 2012, I am truly blessed to have two little boys. I had Raef in 2009 and Christian in 2011. And I believe our precious first is in heaven. I believe God created this special child and I keep this picture on my desk to remember him.

I do not take being pregnant for granted and I think each little babe is such a gift from above. Cherish your little babes today!

♥ Evie

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